| Does anyone drive cars anymore? |
[Sep. 21st, 2004|10:44 am] |
This is robbing us all
Robbing our children’s children of their inheritance
or the scraps we give them
But never fear the businesses will be rich and they can survive and help.
But since they haven’t so far maybe that is a pipe dream
But this is liberal conservatism a kinder gentler nation
That engages in war to the highest bidder.
Poor world do not inspire a republican’s ire
because even though the second is the election the change isn’t until the first.
So be care
So be watchful
As children in Israel have learned be alert.
It is our duty to protect this country...
Waiting for the NRA
Waiting for the Draft
Waiting for that final test.
Look for mass hysteria
Look for mass exodus
Look for pertifical malaise.
Look up look down wait no longer
Wake up or be devoured. |
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| It was the best of times the worst of times |
[Feb. 9th, 2004|06:11 pm] |
Julie's b-day party was a big success. A happy time friends sitting around chatting fun times for all. Until.... Me and Kinny got into a hideous fight. I am still angry and this happened on Saturday. I am not an angry person. Not most of the time, not all the time, not really ever. I am not that sensitive to others or about my own feelings either. But this is the story from my point of view. We left mi cocina where we had dinner and we the people on my end of the table where starting to slip into our old Miller habit of talking about Miller and it was ok, but it seemed from this point that that is what it was going to be and that was tragic. But anyway we decided to go to a bar. Flying saucer that is in downtown fort worth. Many happy times have been had at that place. But anyway, there was 14 of us and the seating in the place is not conducive to so may people at once. Well anyway, me and julie's friend karen arrived a little ahead of the pack, after a little bit it became evident that without an act of God we where not all going to be able to sit together. Well at any rate someone asked me to find us a place to sit. So I went outside where there was a band playing. They had tiki torches and it was covered so it wasn't as warm as inside but it wasn't the outside either. Well there happened to be a really big table that a bunch of different couples had sat together for the show. so I went up to them and said it is my friends b-day and we have a party of 14 and would like to sit together is there anyway that we can sit here. Two of the couples said ok we are getting up anyway, there was a third couple. With this girl how just started popping off to me. She wasn't moving and couldn't care less about wether or not we got to sit together. She didn't care, it was her birthday next week. And regardless if there was a million seats around she wasn't getting up from that spot. I asked her well can u move over a little so that we can sit together and she said 'no.' Well the other couples ended up leaving and so there was enough room, so I sent Karen back in to get the bunch and I figured that we would just sit around this selfish bitch if that was the way she wanted it. Well Karen goes in and then after about 20 minutes she comes back and says that they are not coming. Then Julie comes out to talk to us and says that she is going to go talk to them. Well then she doesn't come back. so I ask Karen and mirissa to wait and then I will go in and see what is going on. Well I go in and Sly and Kin are sitting at the end of the table. I talk to them about we ahve a table outside come on we can all sit together out there. And they said let Scts friends go out there first, they don't care if they sit with them or not. And I fucking snapped. I'm not sure whether it was the girl or just the fact that my friends these people that I thought where good people couldn't have cared less if I had gone out scouted a table. Endured some triffling bitch, so that we could sit together as a group of Jele's friends and party for her birthday and not just turn it into another party of Sct's friends and Jele's friends and never the two should mix. it was so sad too bad we are not moving. I couldn't believe what I was hearing and it hurt. So i did what any selfrespecting person who is extremely ill-equiped to deal with their feelings because of some emotional maldevelopment. I acted an ass. Nothing feel short of the richiest in critism and hurtful statements. About their personalities and laziness, most of it was directed at kin but from what I remember nothing feel short. and after all that I walked out. Kin called today to say that everyone was shocked at the way I acted, they had never seen that side of me and didn't know how to respond. They also couldn't understand why I would attack her personally in such a rigorous and unadulterated manner over a place to sit. I think that I was angry at the girl. I thnk that I was angry at the fact that everyone had so easily dismissed what I was doing as Lawrence trying to run shit. I think that I was angry at the fact that once again no matter, the Miller people had segregated themselves again like always. Nothing had changed how easy it is to fall back into old patterns that keep us safe but also keep us from what we where meant to be. My underwear don't fit anymore I don't know if my ass has gotten smaller or what, but I seem to be falling out of my shit. Maybe that added fear to the mix. Maybe, this is on a more personal level I am trying to figure out where my friend kin went. Every since she read this book 'boundaries' seems like exercising her assertive self means asserting the oposite view of whatever it is that I am saying. don't get me wrong I love to play the devil's advocate. I love to play the opossite view. But really that is a conversation that I usually only have one on one. In 'public,' there are no disagreements just happy times and one point of view. And I have been doing that for a very long time. Now its like I don't have that special consideration anymore. My place as friend has down graded to just another rustler. The team has broken up. Apparently, I was trying to hold on to it for too long and whenever the evidense cropped up, I bit it down and said naw its just a phase. But its real. All of those years ruling Miller with an iron fist and it is over. My solid wall is just in sinking sand. But I suppose its just as well i'm not part of that life anymore. Freedom comes at the cost of many things not just the things you want to let go of. But others as well. I think I grew accostomed to always having someone in my corner, whatever hair brained scheme I had. But it always went both ways. But none the less there is a disconnection and I don't feel as though there will ever be a forum to get it back. So I shouldn't expect it. And I have resigned from the post of trying to fit square pegs in round holes because you can't do it by yourself and I am sure that I want to.
It is so funny to me that everyone has an opionion about an outing or a social event but no one wants to plan one. No one wants to call everyone and make sure that it happens. No one wants the responsibility of having to sometimes guilt people into showing up so that a more cohesive group could be formed. No one ever wants to do any of the dirty little things or take care of any of the details. Everyone has an idea about the grand design just showing up at the party, but no one cares about people actually talking to make sure that we enhance and grow the group so that the good times can keep on rolling. I have never understood some peoples necessity in assurting themselves with me. Because at the end of the day can anyone that I have ever gotten to do something, can they really say that it was because I wanted something from them. Or maybe, it was for the greater good. I try to find one niche in my motives of something that I have munipulated someone into something so that I got something out of it or more than they did. Like money or sexual favors, or something what have I ever taken from anyone? When can someone look back on knowing me and say all that asshole did was use me? I really feel like that is what I get from people a lot.
But I don't ever take anything from them, so I am not sure how that is possible. I have almost always thought of myself as the older brother... maybe, I am controling but not in a bad way. because utimately I would never try to get someone to do something against themselves. It just reminds me of the way Sly was being about jele's wedding everything was too expensive, everything was the wrong color, everything was too expensive, yada yada yada. It was like she was getting married not jele... If she was that concerned about how she looked she should have railed against herself and lost some wieght. Which really isn't a fair comment because I know that she has tried, just like I have but sometimes it is really really hard. But the point is why stand up to all these external things that you shouldn't control and just go with the flow unless you are going to take responsibility and do the work yourself. Sly wasn't willing to help at all because she didn't want to take direction, whats up with that. So my point more directly is that no one ever plans any happy hours, no one ever tries to get everyone together, no one knows what it takes to keep these things going and when someone tries to step up and facilitate more interaction they are beating with a wooden club. |
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| tirant |
[Dec. 19th, 2003|01:32 am] |
I am leaving a job that I enjoyed for the simple fact that someone insulted my intelligence. Well it isn't that simple. when u are a smarty art sorta person and someone insults your intelligence u have little to no patience with them after that point. I took this job that said management training program. I invested my life and my funds into moving etc...
my trainer, lets call him James. Is an upitity hispanic guy the kind that lost touch with his roots a long time ago, yet plays into the whole bilingual thing when he really really isn't. because he is running away from his immigrant parent or grand parents and he didn't conversate or listen to the necessary things when he was young to communicate in a flawless manner. I know the feeling luckily my people all speak the same language and I easily learn and understand what they say. I just realized that I understand a few thing about myself. being in a shit-box for so long. I know what I am capable of and if you don't take the time to get to know me and if your critism isn't constructive and doesn't lend any real guidance, I have no use for you. Being a manager means assesing people strengths and weeknesses and u don't discount there weeknesses unless u don't feel as though u can motivate them into something more. But that is the essence of being a manager u bring them along and u create an understanding and u turn them into a exceeds performance by instructing them in what your expectations are and when they need help u pitch in and suggest to them ways in which to accomplish it.
if they are not eager, if they don't want to learn if they don't take or listen to constructive critism then u cut them. u do not tell an employee u have a problem with what they are doing, outline your expectations and then not allow them to have an opportunity to follow threw learn and grow. That is the equivalent of going into a supermarket looking through apples and discarding an apple because it is too red (overripe.) With produce it is safe to assume that it is a done deal. Overripe can't change. With people u can not make this same presumptious conclusion. No matter how many times it is proven out each person is different and u have to give them the benifit of the doubt. Its like what the fuck your trainer tries to get u fired because u aren't the same personality type as them, u aren't aggressive none the less u are just as manipulative, intelligent, and equally as hard working. I was telling someone else that I am having a hard time coming to the conclusion that I would piss on the guy that trained me, if he was on fire. It is an old eufamisim but it is one that is quite true. Once my trust has been given in someone to learn me somthing new and they take that trust abuse it by spending little to no time with me. And then betray it by trying to fire me to cover their own ass. I have little to know patience with that. it formed a negative view of the company for me and that is when I sent my updated contact information, to the new company. I lived for too long with people underestimating me because of the color of my skin, my gender, and their own person agenda and demons.
That is the hot button. And it can't be forgiven. I wish that I could have but I know now I never would have. Wait one example. I like this example because it was what they based there whole opionion on. We as a project where going to do a project on the floor in front of the nurses station. I talked to the charge and they told me that 1730 to 2100 was their bad time doctors where going to be coming and that is when they feed the patiences. If we just waited until 2100 other than in the case of an emergency, it would be a lot more advantagous to them. so i pulled back had the worker pull back until that time. we did all the detail work and set up in the anticipation of that time. Well the night time supervisor came back to check on us and was unpleased with the progress of my project, and it just happened to be a time when i was asking the patiences in the area if they had any particular allergies to stripping and waxing because i didn't want any more delays. I was still going to do it, I just wanted to know if we needed to close their doors. The supervisor said,'ist about time u opened your mouth to them,' I guess I should have corrected him at that time and said that I had been in communication with the nursing staff, and I decided it would be best if we waited. So he went back and told the training director that I was too meek and didn't talk. Listen for a moment I had already talked to nursing and was taking care of loose end to make sure that everything was green lighted to continue. But I got labeled as too laid back. And James talked to me about it, I told him what had happened and he basically told me that nurses always have objections. But none the less it needed to get done.
From that point on. I still maintained the suger 'i'm listening to u, I understand your needs, blah blah.' But every project he gave me got completed. Including one that he had tried to get done by 3 other trainees, but hadn't been completed me and the worker, Saul, completed it. Everthing he said I need to do I finished. After that day there where no more excusies. Because that's what I say it was. Saul, is an immigrant and everyone complained about not getting him to do anything and he would disapear and I would have all these problems with getting him to do anything. Me and Saul got along great. I treated him with respect, listened to him and every single thing I asked him to do he did. he got it all completed... We laid more traxxs than the 3 previous persons and maybe he assumed that that was call coincidence, but it wasn't I worked with Saul and we got it done. There was this particular carpet that my trainer wanted done and the other 3 had tried but they always quite win the machine stopped working. I turns out that the machine has a shut off value and even if it isn't full it was shutting off because of the foam created by the chemicals. My solution was to just take the sincsing device out, and run. Guess what it worked and me and Saul finished the project.
The jist is that James handicapped me with little to no basis. Everyone in the company had formed the opinion that I couldn't get anything done and that is the truth, and if james had spent any midicon of time with me he would have realized that I have what it takes to be a manager. |
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| creation |
[Dec. 11th, 2003|02:15 am] |
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I am moving back to my city of origin. At least for the last 7 years. To party hard or maybe its work at a company i have in effect been interviewing with for the last 7 months. Win or lose this 'the company,' in school it is a company that all young chemist wish to work for. Lord thank you. |
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| tele PSA |
[Nov. 12th, 2003|04:31 am] |
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IF You make less than 36,800 and live in TX 877 Kids now for insurance. |
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| I keep thinking |
[Nov. 5th, 2003|03:38 am] |
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I keep thinking about the scene in 7 when they are reading Kevin Spacey's journal and it talks about vomiting on the man in the train who is talking about the most innane subject matter. one line reads what ignorant puppets we are going about or daily life fucking and sinning. and then morgan freeman stops reading. but i think about hat a lot are we really innane do we all create our own prisons and reality. That has very little or nothing to do with what we think they are. Being a college student or what not i have never really had to work with low wage earners. But the mentality is the same as people are who are high-wage earners yet low education i.e. union workers. The prejudices are the same the racism is the same and the same low expectation and persicution are the same. At my ex job I always felt discriminated against by my boss because she was a female of the same race that had been beaten at some point in her life by someone who looked just like me. Other than her father I felt for a long time that I had to be the example. I felt like just because you married outside of your race, because you were done you, you hated and that was complete. That even though I regularly got rapped about the head that I could handle it that I could withstand and prove true. That I wouldn't lie, but I would protect that I would enable you to bring people in and that I would never speak against you to the masses that were looking for a reason to hang you. I always that that bought me a bargain that in our disfunction we both found the light. but i was wrong you are corrupt. you are ended your development has halted. And just like the person that decides to perform surgery on their own eye. The physician can have no other fool than himself for a patient. My demons are excise for not being good enough not being the right one. Because no matter what I move forward. I live I understand and I move on. I cautioned you once about who you lined your faith with but you refused to see it. Just like the child that refuses to see it hurts itself by banging its head on the wall you continue to wail away. And Although I will not be your salvation, I hope that you see it someday. Before you die because the keys are not elusive but the hang on the hook of rightousness, and the perial is great. And now it lies completely with you. |
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| managment 101 |
[Nov. 1st, 2003|03:00 am] |
mgmt.
They never tell you that u will have to fire people.
I've been fired in my life twice now sorta
they first this guy tried to bow up to me like i was going to fight him.
I have the distinct look like I am better than everyone else.
That I am better than it all.
But I feel, people make me feel.
But business is business. |
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| songs for fuin |
[Nov. 1st, 2003|02:35 am] |
have u ever heard 'roses are rainbows.' those that are still KAZAAing it will understand it is a rare
find but it is one of the greatest songs ever written.
Relationships are about a journy
They are about finding someone that you feel will enhance your journey.
this love at first site shit boils down to break-up at first fight.
Finding a partner finging a helpmate is a difficult task.
YOu will never find someone that fulfills everything the point in finding the 'one'
is someone that creates a certain percentage.
And there are your standards do they reach 60%, do the reach 85%,
aiming for 85% doesn't mean you are settling it means that you are being realistic.
Especailly the older you get, expecting someone without baggage.... is very unrealistic.
I envy high school sweethearts, they have it all right and the rest of us have it all wrong
But often it doesn't happen in high school, but imagine the security the imaginination that it
takes to keep a romance going for 50 or 60 years.
you onley make it because both of you choose to make it.
there isn't another explination. I have an uncle and an aunt that have been together more than
50 years. My uncle is 92, what i learned from him...
you don't marry for passion, it subsides
you have to be able to look at a person and say no matter how sick they ever get
i will be able to put up with the trials and tribulation of their illness or illness(es)
But the sprit is pure it is thw wold that corrupts and you have to find the spirit of a person.
So many people get married because it looks right hoping it will get right.
it won't it won't ever it is a pipe dream to thing that just because someone fucks you
right that you can be with them forever. all i can say is if this happens just start a clock. when it reaches a 100 call me, cause at that pint it will change. Music is pure, people are not, life is not.
it all about the growth and the challenge and the understanding.. |
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| This is what happens |
[Nov. 1st, 2003|02:33 am] |
I love you like a drop.
A drop that keeps on continuing
That keeps on giving keeps on changing keeps
On giving keeps on taking
Doesn’t discriminate
Doesn’t cool
But keeps on living
Keeps on loving
Keeps on changing to love
Keeps on forgiving
Keeps on drawing
Keeps on because it doesn’t know that it could
Stop but yet, it’s building something
Stalemates always changing forever growing
Because it lives because it changes because it is forever
When it lays it lays down, but nothing changes
Changes closer, changes loving, changes happy
Changes achievement, changes hold fastness, Changes the
Thing it grew from, but ever evolving, never digressing on the magical
Path to permanence. But it is what it is and the challenges subside.
But we all blunder steady wonder, But today it can not be stopped binding
Closer, ever feeling, ever loving, ever forgiving, it will undo.
But it will last, love, pardon, digress, forgive, happy, stand.. |
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| Hello |
[Sep. 29th, 2003|06:48 pm] |
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This is a way to post some things that will be on my mind as soon as a burp! BURP!, well i thought it would. |
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